Mort subite d'un conjoint ou d'un partenaire qui a tout géré : votre première semaine¶

Si votre mari, votre femme ou votre partenaire est décédé subitement et que c'est lui qui s'occupait de l'argent, des factures, des mots de passe, de la voiture ou de la paperasse, vous pourriez ressentir une deuxième vague de peur en plus de votre chagrin. Vous vous demandez peut-être : « Comment vais-je gérer cela ? » Cette peur est courante et compréhensible. Vous ne faites rien de mal et vous n’êtes pas obligé de tout apprendre d’un coup.

Voici la chose la plus importante à savoir : la plupart des choses peuvent attendre. Très peu de tâches ont une date limite la première semaine, et presque toutes celles qui le sont peuvent être réalisées avec l'aide d'un directeur de pompes funèbres, d'une banque, d'un bureau gouvernemental ou d'un ami de confiance. Cette page vous donne une courte liste de ce qui compte vraiment dans les premiers jours, et une longue liste de ce qui peut attendre en toute sécurité. Vous pouvez le lire petit à petit ou le remettre à quelqu'un qui vous aide.

Fais ça maintenant¶

1. Prenez soin de vous d'abord. Asseyez-vous, buvez de l'eau et mangez quelque chose de petit. Vous avez eu un choc terrible.
2. Assurez-vous que les bons services ont été appelés. Si le décès vient de survenir, appelez votre numéro d'urgence local (911 aux États-Unis et au Canada, 112 dans l'Union européenne, 999 au Royaume-Uni) ou le médecin ou l'hospice de la personne. Voir le numéros d'urgence page pour les autres. Le guide d'un mort subite à la maison explique ce qui se passe.
3. Demandez à une personne de confiance de rester avec vous et donnez-lui un cahier. Demandez-leur d'écrire les noms, les numéros de téléphone et ce qu'on vous dit.
4. Rassemblez les papiers en un seul endroit, sans les trier. Une boîte ou un sac suffit. Vous recherchez un testament, des relevés bancaires, des papiers d'assurance et le téléphone de la personne.
5. Ne payez pas, n'annulez pas et ne signez rien pour l'instant, à moins que ce ne soit quelque chose qu'un directeur de pompes funèbres ou un bureau gouvernemental vous a demandé de faire. Dites « J'ai besoin de quelques jours » à quiconque vous pousse.
6. Écrivez une liste des trois choses suivantes et donnez le reste à quelqu'un d'autre. Vous n’êtes pas obligé de tout garder en tête.

Si tout cela vous semble trop intense, ne faites que la première étape. C'est suffisant.

Tu ne fais rien de mal¶

Lorsqu’un partenaire s’occupe des finances ou des systèmes ménagers, l’autre partenaire a souvent honte de ne pas savoir où en sont les choses. S'il vous plaît, mettez ce sentiment de côté. Les couples se partagent les tâches, et il est normal qu’une personne connaisse les mots de passe et que l’autre connaisse le fonctionnement de l’école. Personne ne s’attend à perdre soudainement un partenaire et à avoir toutes les réponses.

Vous pouvez également ressentir des pressions de la part de vos proches, des banques ou des entreprises pour agir rapidement. Les véritables délais sont rares. Lorsqu’une entreprise semble vous presser, demandez la demande par écrit et prenez quelques jours. Une personne qui vient de perdre son partenaire a le droit de dire : « J'ai besoin de temps ».

Some people also feel angry at their partner for leaving things in a mess, and then guilty for feeling angry. Others feel numb, or spend hours looking for a document. All of these reactions are normal parts of grief. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

What really needs doing in the first week, and what can wait¶

This table separates the small number of things that matter in the first week from the large number that can wait. Time limits vary by country, so check with the funeral director or the relevant office.

A flow for the first week¶

flowchart TD
    A["Your partner has died"] --> B["Death confirmed and care arranged"]
    B --> C["Ask a trusted person to stay and take notes"]
    C --> D["Gather papers and phone in one place"]
    D --> E["Choose a funeral director when ready"]
    E --> F["Register the death and order certified copies"]
    F --> G["Check for bills due soon and ask for time"]
    G --> H["Tell banks and benefit offices in the next weeks"]
    H --> I["Deal with the estate and big decisions later"]

The first two days¶

In the first two days, your only jobs are to be safe, to eat and rest a little, and to let people help. If the death was unexpected, you will have professionals at the home, and probably a funeral director in the coming day or two. You can ask the police, the paramedics, or the doctor to write down what happens next.

If you can, have someone stay with you overnight. Switch your phone to silent for a few hours, and ask a friend to answer messages. If you have children, the guide on parler d'un décès aux enfants et aux adolescents peut aider.

Who to tell first¶

Make a short list of the people who need to know soon: your partner's parents and siblings, your own close family, close friends, and perhaps a boss or employer. You can ask a friend to make calls for you. Give them the plain facts and ask them to say you will be in touch.

Ask people not to post on social media until close family have been told. If you are targeted by messages or calls you do not want, you can switch off notifications.

Finding what you need without panic¶

If your partner kept the paperwork, passwords, and accounts, you may not know where to start. A calm, small search is enough. You do not need to understand it all today.

Où chercher¶

• A filing cabinet, desk, or folder labelled "bank", "insurance", "house", or "will".
• A safe, a drawer, or a box at the back of a wardrobe.
• Post that arrives over the next few weeks. It will show you accounts you did not know about.
• A bank, insurance, or pension statement on paper or by email.
• Their phone, laptop, or tablet, and a password manager if they used one.
• Their wallet and purse, for cards and ID.
• A diary, calendar, or address book.
• A solicitor or attorney, accountant, or financial adviser, if you know of one.
• Their employer's human resources department, who may know of life insurance or benefits.

Do not throw away any post or paper, even junk, for the first few months. It may include important notices.

A simple master list¶

Start a notebook or document, and write down what you find:

• Banks and cards, with the names of accounts and who they are with.
• Insurance policies, including life, home, car, and health.
• Pensions and retirement accounts.
• Mortgage or rent, and who is paid.
• Utilities such as gas, electricity, water, phone, and internet.
• Loans, credit cards, and other debts.
• Subscriptions and regular payments.
• Vehicle details and registration.
• Employer, and any final pay or benefits owed.

You do not have to complete it in a week. You are building a picture, and you can add to it over the coming months.

Phones, passwords, and two step codes¶

Many accounts today use a phone for security codes. If your partner's phone has died or is locked, do not try to force your way in or guess too many times, because phones can lock for good. Keep the phone charged and safe.

Look for a notebook of passwords, a password manager, or a note in a drawer. Banks, email providers, and phone companies each have a process for families after a death, and they usually need a death certificate.

If you cannot get into an account, ask the company what they need. It may take time, and it does not need to be done this week.

Money and bills in the first week¶

Money worries can be the loudest worry, and they are often smaller than they feel in the first days. A few points can help.

What usually needs a quick look¶

• Rent or mortgage. Check when the next payment is due. If you may not be able to pay, call your landlord or lender and say, "My partner has died, and I need a little time." Most are understanding and have processes for bereaved people.
• Utilities. Keep the heat, power, and water on. If bills are due, ask for a short extension. Many providers have a bereavement team.
• Food and basic spending. Make sure you have access to money for daily needs. If an account was in your partner's name only, it may be frozen, and you may need to use your own funds or ask the bank what is possible.
• Insurance on the home and cars. Keep these active. Tell the insurer in the coming weeks, and ask them to confirm cover.

Joint accounts and individual accounts¶

If you had a joint account, you can usually keep using it, but banks vary. Many banks allow the surviving holder to continue, and they may ask for a death certificate. If your partner had accounts in their name alone, the bank usually freezes them once told of the death, and they are handled through the estate. You may need legal documents to access them, and this takes time.

Ask the bank about the exact process, and ask what you can do in the meantime. If you need money for the funeral, ask the funeral director and the bank what is possible, because some banks can release funds for funeral costs on request.

Automatic payments¶

Many bills are paid by direct debit or automatic card payment, and they may keep going for a while. Do not cancel everything in a rush, because cancelling a mortgage, insurance, or utility can cause trouble. Look at which payments continue, and decide in a few weeks which to keep and which to stop. If your partner's account is frozen, some payments may fail, and you can contact the company and explain.

Debts¶

In many countries, you are not personally responsible for a partner's debts unless you signed for them jointly or live in a place where marital property laws apply. Debt collectors may still call, and some may suggest that you must pay. The guide on deceased spouse or parent debt collector demands explains your rights. Do not pay or agree to anything over the phone, and ask for requests in writing.

Income, benefits, and insurance¶

If your partner contributed to household income, you may be worried about money in the coming months. Help may be available, and a few phone calls can find out what applies.

Life insurance and work benefits¶

Look for life insurance policies, including through an employer. Contact the insurer or human resources, and ask what is needed to make a claim. They usually ask for a certified death certificate and a claim form. Do not hurry, but do not forget, because some claims have time limits.

Ask your partner's employer about final pay, unused leave, pensions, and any death in service benefit. In many countries employers must pay these, and they will guide you through the steps.

Government help¶

Governments often provide support to surviving partners, particularly those with children. The details depend on the country, so use official websites.

• United States. The Social Security Administration may pay a one time death payment and survivor benefits to a spouse and children, depending on work history. The funeral home often reports the death to Social Security, but you should confirm. The Department of Veterans Affairs offers benefits for survivors of veterans. Ask about state and local help too.
• United Kingdom. GOV.UK explains Bereavement Support Payment and other help. Tell Us Once lets you report the death to many government departments at once, after the death is registered. Funeral Expenses Payment may help with costs.
• Canada. Service Canada offers Canada Pension Plan survivor benefits and a death benefit, and provinces and territories may offer more. Veterans Affairs Canada offers help for survivors.
• Australia. Services Australia has a Bereavement Hub and information on payments such as Bereavement Allowance and other help, and you can contact them after a death.

Applications often have deadlines or backdating limits, so ask early. A social worker, a hospice bereavement team, or a community centre can help you apply.

Health insurance and care¶

If your health insurance was through your partner's job, ask about continuing cover. In some countries, you have a short window to arrange new coverage. Ask the employer or the insurer in the first weeks, and ask a social worker or advice service if you are unsure.

Home, car, and everyday systems¶

A partner who handled "everything" often handled small systems that you now have to find out. Do not worry about learning them all this week.

• Bins, recycling, and repairs. Ask a neighbour or friend how things work. People are glad to help.
• The car. Check that insurance, tax, and registration are valid. If your partner was the only named driver, tell the insurer. If you do not drive, ask a friend for lifts, and keep the car safe. Do not sell it in a hurry.
• Heating, boilers, and utilities. Find the shutoff valves and breaker box, and ask a friend to show you. If you rent, your landlord can help.
• Taxes. Many tax offices extend deadlines for bereaved people. Contact the tax office in the coming weeks, or ask an accountant.
• School and children's routines. Tell the school, and ask them to be gentle. Ask friends to help with lifts and meals.
• Medicines and appointments. Keep your own medicines and appointments going.

Animaux de compagnie¶

If you have pets, they also need food, walks, and care. Ask a friend to help for a few days if you are struggling. Pets may be confused and grieving too.

Keeping the home and yourself safe¶

After a death, a few precautions are wise.

• Lock doors and windows, and keep spare keys safe.
• Ask someone to stay with you or to check in daily, especially if you live alone.
• Be careful what you share publicly about the funeral. Avoid posting the address and times if the home will be empty.
• Hold the post, or ask a friend to collect it if you will be away.
• Do not give out personal details to people who call or message unexpectedly.

Scams that target the bereaved¶

Unfortunately, some criminals target people who are grieving. They may call claiming that your partner owed money, or that a refund, prize, or inheritance is waiting. They may pretend to be from a bank, a government office, or a charity. They may also try to sell overpriced services, such as unneeded legal or funeral extras.

Protect yourself:

• Do not pay anyone over the phone, by gift card, or by transfer because of an unexpected call.
• Do not give out account numbers or passwords.
• Ask for the request in writing and take time to check with a trusted person.
• Hang up and call the organisation back on a number you find yourself.
• Be wary of any person who pressures you to act quickly.

See the guides on scams and fraud et identity theft response pour en savoir plus.

Protecting your partner's identity¶

Criminals sometimes misuse the identity of someone who has died. Once the death is registered, ask the credit reference agencies in your country to mark your partner's file as deceased. This can prevent fraudulent loans or accounts. The funeral director or a government office can usually tell you how.

The will, the estate, and the lawyer¶

If your partner left a will, find it and keep it safe. Do not open or alter it in ways that might cause problems. If you cannot find it, ask the solicitor or attorney, the bank, or the court that holds wills, if there is one in your country.

The person named as executor, or in some countries the administrator, handles the estate. This may be you. The task is legal and sometimes complicated, but you do not have to do it alone.

A solicitor or attorney can guide you, and many offer a first meeting at low or no cost. If your partner had no will, a different process applies, and a lawyer can explain it.

You do not need to deal with the estate in the first week. For problems such as blocked accounts or estate delays, see the guide on probate lockout and executor emergency authority. If your partner needed long term care funded by a government programme, the guide on Medicaid estate recovery may be relevant in the United States.

Qui peut vous aider¶

Vous n'êtes pas obligé de le faire seul. Les personnes et les services qui peuvent vous aider comprennent :

• Amis et famille qui peuvent s'asseoir avec vous, conduire, cuisiner et passer des appels.
• Le directeur de pompes funèbres, qui sait souvent ce qui doit être fait et quand.
• L'équipe de soins palliatifs, si votre partenaire était en soins palliatifs.
• Votre médecin, qui pourra vérifier votre état de santé et vous orienter vers des conseils.
• Un organisme de bienfaisance pour les personnes en deuil, comme Cruse Bereavement Support au Royaume-Uni, ou des hospices et des groupes communautaires locaux ailleurs.
• Un travailleur social ou un conseiller en avantages sociaux qui peut vous aider à demander une pension alimentaire.
• Un notaire ou un avocat pour le testament, la succession et les questions juridiques.
• Un chef religieux ou un groupe communautaire pour une aide spirituelle et pratique.
• Un comptable ou un conseiller fiscal si vos finances sont compliquées.

Demandez à chacun : « Que dois-je faire la première semaine et qu'est-ce qui peut attendre. » Ils auront une réponse.

Prendre soin de soi¶

Vous êtes en deuil et portez beaucoup de choses. Votre corps et votre esprit ont besoin de soins. Buvez de l’eau, mangez de petits repas, reposez-vous quand vous le pouvez et laissez les autres vous aider. Le guide sur prendre soin de soi dans un deuil aigu couvre les symptômes physiques, le sommeil et les signes avant-coureurs.

Si jamais vous sentez que vous ne pouvez pas continuer ou si vous envisagez de mettre fin à vos jours, parlez-en immédiatement à quelqu'un. Appelez votre numéro d'urgence local ou une ligne de crise telle que le 988 aux États-Unis et au Canada, Samaritans au 116 123 au Royaume-Uni ou Lifeline au 13 11 14 en Australie. Le numéros d'urgence La page répertorie les lignes de crise pour d’autres pays.

Les semaines qui suivent le premier¶

La première semaine est généralement pleine de personnes et de tâches. Vers la deuxième ou la troisième semaine, les visiteurs s'éloignent et le calme peut être la partie la plus difficile. C'est le bon moment pour demander à des amis de s'enregistrer, de rejoindre un groupe de personnes en deuil ou de consulter votre médecin.

Si vous rencontrez des difficultés, cela ne veut pas dire que vous échouez. Cela signifie que vous êtes en deuil.

Modèles pratiques¶

Ces courts scripts peuvent faciliter les appels.

À une banque ou une entreprise : "J'appelle parce que mon partenaire, [nom], est décédé. J'aimerais savoir ce que je dois faire et ce que vous attendez de moi. Pouvez-vous l'envoyer par écrit."

À un propriétaire ou à un prêteur : "Mon partenaire est décédé récemment. J'aimerais demander une courte prolongation du paiement dû le [date] pendant que je règle la succession. Pouvez-vous me dire ce dont vous avez besoin ?"

À une personne qui vous fait pression : "Je ne suis pas en mesure de prendre une décision aujourd'hui. Veuillez envoyer les détails par écrit et je vous répondrai lorsque je serai prêt."

À un ami : "J'ai besoin d'aide pour [tâche spécifique]. Pourriez-vous faire cela ou vous asseoir avec moi pendant que je le fais ?"

Différences par pays¶

Les règles diffèrent, veuillez donc vérifier localement. Ces notes sont uniquement générales.

Aux États-Unis¶

The funeral home usually files the death certificate and may notify Social Security. Keep several certified copies for banks and insurers. Ask the Social Security Administration about survivor benefits, and ask your state about local help. Joint accounts often continue, and individual accounts go through probate.

In the United Kingdom¶

Register the death and use Tell Us Once for many government departments. Ask about Bereavement Support Payment. Banks usually freeze individual accounts, and a solicitor or the bank can explain probate. Citizens Advice can help with money and legal questions.

In Canada¶

Notify Service Canada for Canada Pension Plan benefits, and check provincial rules for estates. Banks have bereavement teams. A lawyer or notary can help with the estate.

In Australia¶

Services Australia has a bereavement service and can notify some agencies. The funeral director will help with registration. Banks have processes for deceased estates, and each state has its own rules for probate.

In other countries¶

Many countries require registration of the death within days or weeks, then a series of notifications. Ask the funeral director, your embassy, or a local advice service. See the numéros d'urgence page for consular help if you are abroad.

A note on first aid training¶

If you would like to feel more prepared for future emergencies, a hands-on first aid course from the Red Cross, St John Ambulance, or a local provider can teach CPR and other skills. This is not something to do now, and nobody should feel pressure. It is simply an option for later.

Questions fréquemment posées¶

What are the only things that cannot wait in the first week?¶

Making sure the death is confirmed and your partner is cared for, looking after yourself and any children or pets, and asking for time on any bills that are due very soon. Registering the death has a deadline in some countries, but the funeral director or registrar will explain it. Almost everything else, including closing accounts and dealing with the estate, can wait for weeks.

Can I still use our joint bank account?¶

Usually yes, though banks differ, and some ask for a death certificate. Accounts in your partner's name alone are normally frozen once the bank is told of the death. Ask your bank what they need and what you can do in the meantime.

Am I responsible for my partner's debts?¶

In many countries you are not personally responsible for a partner's debts unless you signed for them jointly or local marital property laws apply. Debt collectors may still contact you, and you do not have to agree to anything on the phone. Ask for requests in writing and seek advice from a solicitor, attorney, or advice service.

How do I protect myself from scams after a death?¶

Do not pay anyone, give out account details, or sign anything because of an unexpected call, message, or visit. Ask for everything in writing, take time, and check with a trusted person or the organisation on a number you find yourself. Be especially careful about anyone who pressures you to act quickly.

Sources vérifiées¶

• GOV.UK (United Kingdom): "What to do after someone dies", "Tell Us Once", "Bereavement Support Payment", and "Get help with funeral costs".
• Citizens Advice (United Kingdom): guidance on dealing with money and debts after a death.
• Social Security Administration (United States): survivor benefits and death payments.
• Federal Trade Commission and Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (United States): guidance on debts of deceased people, scams targeting the bereaved, and the Funeral Rule.
• Service Canada and Government of Canada: Canada Pension Plan survivor benefits and what to do after a death.
• Services Australia: bereavement and financial help after a death.
• Red Cross (American Red Cross, British Red Cross): support after bereavement.
• Cruse Bereavement Support (United Kingdom), Hospice UK, and National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (United States): bereavement support.
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (États-Unis et Canada), Samaritans (Royaume-Uni) et Lifeline (Australie).

This page is general information, not legal or financial advice. Rules and deadlines vary by country and region, so check with the relevant office or a qualified adviser.

Guides associés¶

• Family member died overnight at home unexpectedly
• First hours and days after a death at home
• Prendre soin de soi dans un deuil aigu
• Demandes d'un conjoint ou d'un parent décédé
• Probate lockout and executor emergency authority