Telling children and teens about a death: what to say and how¶

If someone close to a child has died, you may be dreading the moment of telling them. You may not know the right words, and you may be grieving yourself. That is a very hard place to be, and you are not doing anything wrong by feeling unsure.

The good news is that children do not need perfect words. They need honesty, simple language, and a calm adult who stays close. Nothing here needs to be rushed. The only thing that matters in the first hours is that the child hears the news from someone they trust, and that they are not left alone with it.

Сделай это сейчас¶

1. Choose a trusted adult to tell the child. It should be someone the child knows and feels safe with, ideally a parent or close carer. If that person is too upset, ask another trusted adult to be there too.
2. Pick a quiet, private place and a calm moment. Turn off screens and take a few slow breaths together. Sit at the child's level, close enough to hold a hand or hug if they want.
3. Say it plainly and kindly. Use the word "died". For example: "I have very sad news. Grandma died this morning. Her body stopped working and she cannot come back."
4. Tell them it is not their fault, and that nothing they said or thought caused it. Say that you are there and will stay with them.
5. Let them react in their own way. Cry with them, answer questions, or sit in silence. Then offer a drink and a snack, and stay close.
6. Tell the school or childcare soon, so that adults there can be gentle and watch for signs that the child is struggling.

If the death has just happened, remember that the first call to the right service comes first. The guides to a внезапная смерть дома и ожидаемая смерть дома explain who to call.

Вы не делаете ничего плохого¶

Many adults worry that they will upset a child by telling them the truth. In fact, children usually sense that something is wrong before they are told. When adults whisper, cry behind closed doors, or change their plans, children often imagine something even worse, or decide that they did something wrong.

Telling the truth in a gentle way is one of the kindest things you can do. You do not have to be strong or calm all the time. It is okay for a child to see you cry. It shows them that sadness is normal and that people can feel it and still be safe.

If you get the words wrong, you can go back and say, "I would like to explain that again." Children are forgiving, and they will keep learning and asking over weeks and years.

Why honesty matters¶

Children make sense of the world with the information they have. If the truth is hidden, they fill the gaps with their own ideas, which are often more frightening than reality. A child who is told that a grandparent "went away" may wait for them to come back or feel abandoned. A child told that someone "went to sleep" may become afraid of bedtime.

Bereavement charities and child health bodies, including Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK in the United Kingdom and the National Alliance for Children's Grief in the United States, all recommend using clear words such as "died" and "dead". They also recommend answering questions truthfully and at the child's level.

Words to use¶

• "Died" and "dead".
• "His body stopped working."
• "Her heart stopped, and the doctors could not make it start again."
• «Это не твоя вина, и никто не мог это остановить».
• «Чувствовать грусть, злость или растерянность , это нормально».

Words to avoid¶

If your family has faith beliefs, it is fine to share them. Say what has happened first, then add what your family believes, in simple words. For example: "Grandpa died. Our family believes that his spirit is at peace."

How to tell children of different ages¶

Children understand death differently as they grow. These are general guides, and every child is different. Follow your child's lead, and let them ask as much or as little as they want.

Babies and toddlers (under about 3)¶

Very young children do not understand death, but they feel changes in routine and in the mood around them. They may cry more, cling, regress to earlier habits, or seem unsettled.

What helps:

• Keep routines for meals, sleep, and play as steady as possible.
• Offer cuddles, soft words, and familiar objects.
• Use simple words if they ask: "Daddy died. He cannot come back. We are sad, and I am here."
• Expect to repeat the message many times.

Preschool children (about 3 to 5)¶

Young children often see death as temporary, like sleep or a trip. They may ask the same question many times, such as "When is Grandma coming back." This is normal. They also tend to believe that their thoughts or actions can cause things.

What helps:

• Use short, concrete sentences: "Grandma died. Her body stopped working. She cannot eat, breathe, or feel anything. She will not come back."
• Say clearly that it was not their fault.
• Answer repeated questions patiently, with the same words.
• Offer play, drawing, and stories. Young children often process through play.
• Expect big feelings to come and go quickly. A child may cry, then ask for a snack.

Primary school children (about 6 to 9)¶

Children in this age group begin to understand that death is permanent and that all living things die. They may be curious about the body, what happens at a funeral, and what caused the death. They may also worry that others they love will die.

What helps:

• Give honest, simple facts. If a child asks how someone died, answer truthfully at a level they can handle, without graphic detail.
• Reassure them about who will look after them. Say, "I am healthy and I plan to be here for a very long time."
• Invite questions, and say that no question is silly.
• Offer ways to remember, such as drawing, writing a letter, or making a memory box.
• Watch for stomachaches, headaches, trouble sleeping, or changes at school, which can be signs of distress.

Older children (about 10 to 12)¶

Preteens understand death in a more adult way. They may feel deep sadness, anger, fear, or guilt, and they might try to appear fine or avoid talking. They may also compare their situation with friends and feel different.

What helps:

• Be honest and give more detail if they ask for it.
• Let them choose whether to talk, write, draw, or be active.
• Respect privacy but check in gently and often.
• Let them help with plans, such as choosing music or a photo for the funeral.
• Tell their school and ask for understanding about work and behaviour.

Teenagers (about 13 and older)¶

Teenagers understand death fully, but they may express grief in unexpected ways: withdrawing, irritability, risk taking, changes in sleep or appetite, or throwing themselves into activity. They may prefer friends to family for support. They may also feel pressure to take on adult responsibilities.

What helps:

• Tell them the truth directly, with the same respect you would give an adult.
• Give them choices about how to take part in the funeral and what to do afterwards.
• Do not expect them to be the "man of the house" or replace the person who died.
• Stay available without pushing. A short, quiet moment in the car or while making food can open up a conversation.
• Make sure they know where to turn if they feel overwhelmed, including a trusted adult, a counsellor, or a helpline.

Teenagers can be at increased risk of low mood or thoughts of self harm after a loss. If you are worried, ask directly and calmly. The guide on заботиться о себе в остром горе covers warning signs and what to do, and the guide on кризис психического здоровья explains how to respond.

How to have the conversation¶

A few simple steps can make a hard conversation easier.

Before¶

• Take a few minutes to steady yourself. It is okay if you cry, but try to be able to speak.
• Decide on the words you will use, and write them down if that helps.
• Choose a place where the child feels safe, such as their bedroom, a sofa, or a garden.
• Make sure you will not be interrupted.
• Have a tissue box, a drink, and perhaps a favourite toy or blanket nearby.

During¶

1. Start by saying you have something sad to tell them. This gives them a moment to prepare.
2. Say what has happened in plain words. Use the word "died".
3. Pause. Let the silence be. Let the child react.
4. Offer a hug if they want one. Do not force it.
5. Answer questions honestly. If you do not know, say, "I do not know, and I will find out."
6. Tell them what will happen next, such as who will be at home and when they will see you again.
7. Say, "It is not your fault, and I love you."

After¶

• Offer a drink, a snack, and a gentle activity.
• Stay close for the next few hours.
• Let them know they can ask again, at any time.
• Tell their teacher or school.

A simple flow for the conversation¶

flowchart TD
    A["Choose a trusted adult and a quiet place"] --> B["Say that you have sad news"]
    B --> C["Say the word died in simple words"]
    C --> D["Say it is not their fault"]
    D --> E["Let them react in their own way"]
    E --> F["Answer questions honestly and simply"]
    F --> G["Tell them what happens next"]
    G --> H["Stay close and check in again later"]

Questions children often ask¶

Children's questions may be blunt, and they may come at unexpected times. That is a good sign. It means the child feels safe enough to ask.

"Why did they die." Give a simple, true answer. For example, "His heart stopped working," or "She was very sick, and her body could not get better." If the cause is not known, say, "The doctors are trying to find out."

"Will it happen to you." Be honest but reassuring. "Everyone dies one day, but I expect to be here for a very long time. I look after my health, and there are lots of people who will always take care of you."

"Did it hurt." If you know, answer simply. "She was not in pain at the end," or "The doctors gave medicine to help him feel comfortable." If you do not know, say, "I think it was very quick." Do not make promises you cannot keep.

"Is it my fault." Always say no, clearly and warmly. "No, nothing you said or thought made this happen."

"Where are they now." Answer according to your beliefs, in simple words, after saying that the body has died. If you are not sure, you can say, "Different people believe different things. What do you think?"

"Can I see them." The answer depends on the situation. If the person is at home or in a funeral home, some children benefit from a short, supported visit. Explain what they will see first, and let them choose.

"Can I still talk to them." Yes. Many children feel comforted by talking to the person, writing letters, or keeping a special object.

Deaths that are harder to explain¶

Some deaths are more difficult to talk about, such as suicide, overdose, violence, accident, or a death of a child. Children still need truth, told gently and in age-appropriate words.

If a death was by suicide, experts recommend telling children honestly, without graphic detail. You might say, "Dad died by suicide. That means he ended his own life because his mind was very, very ill and he could not see another way. It is not your fault, and nobody could have known."

Avoid language that suggests blame. If you are unsure, a counsellor or a bereavement service can help you prepare.

If the death was sudden or traumatic, it helps to seek professional support for the child early. Many countries have free services for children after sudden deaths, and a doctor or school can help you find them.

Funerals and goodbyes: giving children a choice¶

Children can find funerals confusing or frightening if they are not prepared, but many also say that being included helped them feel part of the family and say goodbye. Experts generally recommend giving children the choice, with clear information, rather than deciding for them.

Preparing a child for a funeral¶

Explain in simple terms:

• Who will be there, and what people may do, such as cry, hug, or share stories.
• Where it will be held, and what the room looks like.
• Whether the body or coffin will be present, and what a coffin is.
• What will happen, such as music, readings, a burial, or a cremation.
• How long it will last.
• That they can leave at any time with a trusted adult.

Show photos of the place, if possible. If the funeral involves cremation, you can explain, "The body is placed in a special oven, which turns it into ashes. The person cannot feel anything."

Choices for children¶

Always assign a trusted adult to stay with the child during the funeral. This person's job is to look after the child, not the whole event. They can answer questions, take the child outside, and make sure the child has water and a snack.

If a child chooses not to attend¶

If a child does not want to attend, respect their choice. They can still be included in other ways, such as drawing a picture to place with the coffin, choosing a song, or visiting the grave or memorial later. Some people regret not having the chance, so offer later opportunities to say goodbye.

Seeing the body¶

If the person is lying in an open coffin or at home, a child may want to see them. Explain beforehand: "Grandpa's body will look still and a little different. His eyes are closed. He cannot feel anything."

Let the child decide, and stay close. Some children want to touch a hand or leave a drawing, and others prefer to stay back.

What to expect in the days and weeks after¶

Children grieve differently from adults. They often move in and out of sadness, sometimes in the space of a few minutes. A child may cry, then ask for a snack, then run outside to play. This is normal and healthy, and it does not mean they do not care.

Common reactions¶

• Sadness, crying, and clinginess.
• Anger or irritability, including tantrums or outbursts.
• Fear that others will die, or fear of being alone.
• Trouble sleeping, nightmares, or wanting to sleep in your bed.
• Changes in appetite.
• Stomachaches, headaches, or tiredness.
• Going back to earlier behaviours, such as bedwetting or thumb sucking.
• Difficulty concentrating at school.
• Playing out death or funerals in games.
• Asking the same questions repeatedly.

These reactions often ease with time, routine, and support. They are signs that the child is working through their grief, not that something is wrong with them.

What helps¶

• Keep routines for meals, bedtime, and school as steady as possible.
• Offer comfort, patience, and time.
• Talk about the person who died, using their name, sharing stories, and looking at photos.
• Create ways to remember them, such as a memory box, a photo album, or a special day.
• Let the child see that you grieve too, and that you cope.
• Be consistent and clear about who will look after them.
• Give them space to play, laugh, and be a child.

Special days¶

Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and the first day back at school can bring grief back. Plan ahead for these days. Ask the child what they would like to do, such as lighting a candle, visiting a place, or cooking a favourite meal.

Children with additional needs¶

Children with autism, learning disabilities, or communication differences also need honest, simple explanations. They may take words very literally, so avoid phrases that can be misunderstood. Use short sentences, pictures, or a simple story, and repeat the message as often as needed.

Keep routines as predictable as you can, and tell the child in advance about any changes. A visual schedule, a familiar object, or a quiet space can help. If you are unsure how to explain, ask the child's teacher, therapist, or a bereavement service for tips that suit your child.

When children are in two homes¶

If a child lives between two homes, make sure both households use the same words and share the news quickly. A child should not hear about a death from a rumour or a message on a phone. Agree on who will tell the child, and make sure the child has a trusted adult with them afterwards.

Talking with your child's school¶

Tell your child's school or childcare as soon as you can. A teacher who knows can be gentle, avoid surprises, and let the child take a break if needed. Ask the school who the child can go to if they feel upset, and whether they offer a counsellor or a quiet room.

Let the school know what the child has been told, so they use the same words. You might say, "We have told Maya that her grandfather died of a heart attack. She may be upset or need a break."

Classmates¶

Some schools talk to classmates, with the family's permission, so that other children know and can be kind. You can ask what the school plans to say, and agree on it together.

Looking after yourself while you care for children¶

It is hard to be a source of comfort when you are grieving too. You do not have to hide your feelings, but you also need support. Share the load, ask for help with meals and school runs, and make time to rest.

If you feel overwhelmed, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, tell someone right away. You can call your local emergency number (911 in the United States and Canada, 112 across the European Union, 999 in the United Kingdom) or a crisis line. The номера экстренных служб страница перечисляет их по странам. Руководство по заботиться о себе в остром горе имеет больше.

When to seek extra help for a child¶

Most children cope with the support of family, school, and time. Seek help from a doctor, counsellor, or children's bereavement service if, after a few weeks, a child:

• Cannot sleep, or has persistent nightmares.
• Refuses to go to school or has a big drop in schoolwork.
• Withdraws completely from friends and activities they used to enjoy.
• Has intense, ongoing anger or aggression.
• Harms themselves, or talks about wanting to die or to join the person who died.
• Has frequent unexplained physical symptoms.
• Seems stuck in fear or guilt that does not ease.

If a child or teenager talks about suicide or harming themselves, take it seriously. Stay with them, listen without judgement, and get help right away. Call your local emergency number, a crisis line such as 988 in the United States and Canada, or take them to an emergency department.

Где найти поддержку¶

• Children's bereavement charities, such as Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK in the United Kingdom, and the National Alliance for Children's Grief and the Dougy Center in the United States.
• Child helplines: Childline in the United Kingdom, Kids Help Phone in Canada, Kids Helpline in Australia.
• School counsellors and educational psychologists.
• Your family doctor, who can refer you to children's mental health services.
• Hospice bereavement teams, which often support children and young people.
• Faith communities and community groups.

Различия по странам¶

Practices and services differ by country, but the advice on honesty, gentle words, and support is similar everywhere. Here are some pointers.

В Соединенных Штатах¶

Hospices, schools, and children's grief centres often run free or low cost programmes for bereaved children. The American Academy of Pediatrics offers guidance for parents. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available for young people and adults.

В Соединенном Королевстве¶

Winston's Wish, Child Bereavement UK, and Cruse Bereavement Support offer help, including helplines. The NHS has guidance for parents on talking with children about death. Childline offers free support for under 19s.

В Канаде¶

Hospice societies and children's hospitals offer bereavement support. Kids Help Phone offers free, confidential support for young people.

В Австралии¶

Many community and hospice services offer grief support for children. Kids Helpline offers free counselling, and Lifeline supports adults in crisis.

В других странах¶

Ask your doctor, school, hospice, or local health service about children's bereavement support. Faith communities and community groups may also help. See the номера экстренных служб page for crisis lines.

Примечание по обучению оказанию первой помощи¶

If you want to feel more prepared in a medical emergency, a hands-on first aid course from the Red Cross, St John Ambulance, or a local provider can teach CPR and other skills. There is no need to do this now, and nobody should feel pressure to. Some families find that learning later helps them feel less helpless.

Часто задаваемые вопросы¶

Should I use the word "died" with a young child?¶

Yes. Child bereavement experts recommend using clear words such as "died" and "dead" with simple explanations, because phrases like "gone to sleep" or "we lost him" can confuse or frighten children. You can follow it with comforting words and your family's beliefs, but say plainly what has happened first. Children usually handle the truth better than adults expect.

Should children go to the funeral?¶

Most experts suggest giving children the choice, with clear information about what will happen and a trusted adult to stay with them. Many children say they were glad to be included, while others prefer to say goodbye in a different way, and both choices are fine. If a child chooses not to attend, offer another way to take part, such as drawing a picture or visiting later.

What if my child does not seem upset?¶

Children grieve in short bursts and may appear fine, then cry later or play out their feelings. Not showing sadness right away does not mean they do not care or do not understand. Keep routines steady, stay available, and let them know they can talk to you at any time.

What if I cry in front of my child?¶

It is okay and even helpful for a child to see you cry, because it shows that sadness is normal and that people can feel it and still be safe. Explain simply, "I am crying because I am sad that Grandpa died. I will be okay." If you feel overwhelmed, ask another trusted adult to step in and take a break.

Источники проверены¶

• NHS (United Kingdom): "Helping a child or young person after a bereavement" and guidance on supporting grieving children.
• Winston's Wish (United Kingdom): guidance for talking to children about death and funerals.
• Child Bereavement UK: guidance for telling children, and supporting young people.
• American Academy of Pediatrics (United States): HealthyChildren.org guidance on talking to children about death and grief.
• National Alliance for Children's Grief and the Dougy Center (United States): guidance on supporting grieving children and teenagers.
• Red Cross (American Red Cross, British Red Cross): supporting children after a loss.
• Government of Canada and Kids Help Phone: resources for young people and families.
• Australian Government Department of Health, Kids Helpline, and Grief Australia: supporting bereaved children.
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (United States and Canada).

Guidance varies by child and by country. If you are worried about a child, speak to a doctor or a children's bereavement service.

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