Looking after yourself in acute grief: the first days¶

If someone close to you has just died, you may be reading this in a fog. Your body may feel strange, your thoughts may not connect, and you may not know what you need. That is normal. Acute grief is the sharp, early stage of loss, and it affects the body as well as the mind.

You are not doing anything wrong, whatever you feel or do not feel. Nothing here has to be done quickly. The aim of this page is simple: to help you get through the next few days with a little water, food, rest, and company, and to tell you when and how to ask for more help. If you ever have thoughts of ending your life, there is a clear section on that below, and the most important step is to tell someone now.

Fes això ara¶

1. Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable. Put both feet on the floor, or wrap yourself in a blanket. You do not have to do anything else for a few minutes.
2. Drink a glass of water, and eat something small such as toast, a banana, soup, or a biscuit. Shock uses up energy, and many people forget to eat.
3. Breathe out slowly. Breathe in for a count of four, and out for a count of six, a few times. This can calm a racing heart.
4. Contact one person. Ring or message a friend, relative, neighbour, or faith leader and say, "Please come" or "Please stay on the phone with me."
5. If you feel unsafe, or think about harming yourself or ending your life, tell someone right now. Call your local emergency number (911 in the United States and Canada, 112 across the European Union, 999 in the United Kingdom), or a crisis line such as 988 in the United States and Canada. See the números d'emergència pàgina per als altres.
6. Let the rest wait. Phone calls, forms, and decisions can be done later, with help.

If you have chest pain, trouble breathing, or you feel faint and unwell, call your local emergency number. Grief can affect the heart and body, and it is always right to get checked.

No estàs fent res malament¶

In the first days after a death, people react in many different ways. Some cry for hours. Some cannot cry.

Some feel calm, then collapse later. Some feel anger, fear, guilt, relief, or nothing at all. There is no right order or right amount, and none of these reactions mean you are grieving badly.

You may also have thoughts that frighten you, such as "I cannot go on" or "I should have done something." These thoughts are common in acute grief and often ease with time and support. They do not mean you are broken. They do mean you deserve care and, if they get strong or frequent, help from someone trained.

Nothing needs to be rushed. You can take your time to eat, sleep, cry, sit in silence, or be with people. The only urgent thing is your safety, and the safety of anyone else who depends on you.

What shock does to the body and mind¶

Shock is the mind and body's way of coping with something too big to take in at once. It can last hours, days, or longer, and it often comes in waves. Knowing what to expect can make it less frightening.

Common physical effects¶

• A racing or pounding heart.
• Tightness in the chest or throat, or a feeling of weight.
• Shaking, trembling, or feeling cold.
• Nausea, stomach pain, or loss of appetite.
• Dizziness, or feeling faint.
• Headaches and muscle aches.
• Extreme tiredness, or restlessness and an inability to sit still.
• A dry mouth, or difficulty swallowing.
• Changes in sleep, including waking very early.

Common effects on thinking and feeling¶

• Numbness, or a sense that this is not real.
• Trouble concentrating, forgetting simple things, or losing words.
• Going over events again and again in your mind.
• Hearing or seeing the person briefly, such as thinking you hear their voice or key in the door. This is very common and usually not a sign of illness.
• Waves of sadness, anger, or fear that come and go.
• Guilt, "if only" thoughts, and blaming yourself or others.
• Anxiety, panic, or fear of being alone.

Most of these feelings ease gradually over weeks, though they can return on anniversaries or when you are reminded of the person. If you have a panic attack, the panic attacks guide explica què fer.

When physical symptoms need medical help¶

Grief can cause real physical symptoms, but some symptoms can also signal a medical problem. Call your local emergency number straight away if you have:

• Chest pain or pressure, especially if it spreads to your arm, neck, or jaw.
• Severe trouble breathing.
• Fainting, or a very fast or irregular heartbeat that does not settle.
• Sudden weakness, face drooping, or difficulty speaking.
• Severe or sudden confusion.

For less urgent concerns, such as ongoing nausea, severe sleeplessness, or new aches, speak to your doctor or call a nurse line. Bereavement is a good reason to see your doctor, and they will not think you are making a fuss.

The basics: water, food, sleep, movement¶

When you are in shock, the basics are the first things to slip. They are also the things that help you most. You do not have to do them perfectly. A little is enough.

Water¶

Crying, stress, and not drinking can leave you dehydrated, which makes headaches and dizziness worse. Keep a glass or bottle nearby and sip through the day. Warm drinks such as tea, or sweet drinks, can feel comforting.

Food¶

You may not feel hungry, or you may want to eat everything. Both are normal. Try to eat small amounts at regular times.

Easy options include soup, toast, yoghurt, fruit, eggs, porridge, or a sandwich. If cooking feels impossible, accept food from neighbours and friends, or order a simple meal.

If you have a health condition such as diabetes, take your medicines as usual and keep to your usual routine as far as you can. If you are unsure how grief is affecting your condition, call your doctor.

Sleep¶

Sleep is often disrupted in the first days. You may lie awake, wake at 3 a.m., or have vivid dreams. Some people sleep for many hours. All of this is common.

Things that can help:

• Rest in a quiet, dim room even if you do not sleep.
• Keep a regular time for going to bed and getting up, as far as you can.
• Avoid screens and news for the last hour before bed.
• Try a warm, caffeine free drink.
• Write down worries or tomorrow's tasks, so they are out of your head.
• Keep a light or a radio on if the quiet feels hard.

If you are prescribed sleep medicine, follow the label and your doctor's advice. Do not take anyone else's medicines. Please be cautious with alcohol, because it may help you drop off but usually disturbs sleep and can deepen low mood.

Gentle movement¶

A short walk, some stretching, or sitting outside in daylight can ease tension. You do not need to exercise hard. Ten minutes of fresh air is enough. If you do not feel able, simply stand and stretch, or sit by a window.

A simple daily check¶

Each morning and evening, ask yourself:

• Have I had something to drink.
• Have I had something to eat.
• Have I talked to one person.
• Have I rested for a while.
• Do I feel safe.

If the answer to the last question is no, go to the section on safety below.

Being with people, and being alone¶

Some people want company all the time, and others need quiet. Both are fine. In the first days it is usually helpful to have at least one person nearby who can answer the door, make tea, and notice if you are not coping.

Accepting help¶

People often say, "Let me know if you need anything." It can be hard to ask, so you can give them a specific job: "Could you pick up milk," "Could you sit with me tonight," or "Could you phone my sister." Most people are glad to be useful.

Setting limits¶

You may be flooded with calls, visits, and messages. You are allowed to say, "I am not up to talking just now." You can choose one person to pass on news, or leave your phone on silent for a few hours. You can also turn off notifications, or ask a friend to monitor messages.

If you are alone¶

If you live alone, or you are away from home, tell someone how you are feeling and ask them to check in. A phone call, a video chat, or a message at set times each day can help. Think about whether you can stay with a friend or relative for a few nights.

If you are alone and feel unsafe, call your local emergency number or a crisis line. You do not have to be alone with it.

Alcohol, drugs, and other ways of coping¶

It is common to want to numb painful feelings. Alcohol, drugs, or unprescribed medicines can seem to help in the moment, but they often make grief, sleep, and mood worse. They also carry real risks, especially if you are already exhausted and not eating.

If you notice that you are drinking or using more than you want to, or you are worried about your use, speak to your doctor or a support service. The guide on opioid overdose explains what to do if someone has taken too much. If you are in recovery, tell your support network and attend your usual meetings or contacts.

Safer ways to ease feelings include:

• Talking to a trusted person.
• Writing, drawing, or recording voice notes.
• Listening to music.
• Taking a warm shower or bath.
• Walking outside, or sitting in nature.
• Holding a warm drink or a soft blanket.
• Prayer, meditation, or other practices that comfort you.

Making decisions, and what to postpone¶

In acute grief, thinking can be foggy. Big decisions, such as selling a home, moving, or making major financial choices, are best postponed where possible. You can say, "I will decide in a few weeks." Many people look back and are glad they waited.

Some practical tasks cannot wait, such as registering the death or arranging a funeral. For these, ask a friend or relative to sit with you, take notes, and ask questions. The guide on the first hours and days after a death at home explains what can wait and what cannot.

How grief changes over time¶

Grief does not follow neat stages. It often comes in waves: intense at first, then softer, then sharp again around a reminder. Many people find the second or third week harder than the first, as the shock fades and visitors drift away.

Over weeks and months, most people find the intensity eases, and they can think of the person with a mix of sadness and gratitude. You do not "get over" a loss, but you can learn to carry it. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may bring grief back, and this is normal.

When grief may need extra help¶

For most people, grief gradually becomes more bearable. For some, it stays overwhelming and stops them from living their life for many months. Some health bodies describe this as prolonged grief. Signs can include:

• Intense longing or preoccupation with the person that does not ease with time.
• Being unable to accept the death after many months.
• Feeling that life has no meaning, or that part of you has died.
• Being unable to carry out daily tasks, work, or care for others.
• Staying away from anything that reminds you of the person, or being unable to stop thinking about them.

If these signs continue beyond about six to twelve months, or sooner if you are struggling, speak to your doctor or a bereavement counsellor. Help is effective, and there is no shame in asking.

When to seek help¶

You do not have to wait until things are unbearable. Speak to your doctor, a counsellor, a bereavement service, or a faith leader if:

• You cannot sleep for several nights in a row.
• You are not eating or drinking, or you are using alcohol or drugs to cope.
• You have panic attacks, or constant overwhelming anxiety.
• You cannot function at work, at school, or at home after a few weeks.
• You feel guilty or blame yourself in a way that does not ease.
• You feel numb or detached for a long time.
• You have a pre-existing mental health condition that seems worse.
• Esteu cuidant nens o altres i us sentiu incapaç de fer front.
• Tens pensaments de fer-te mal o acabar amb la teva vida.

Tipus de suport¶

Thoughts of suicide: warning signs and what to do¶

Many people who are grieving have fleeting thoughts such as "I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up" or "I want to be with them." These are common, and having them does not mean you will act on them. But they can be a sign that you need help, and if they become stronger or more specific, it is time to act.

Warning signs in yourself¶

• Thinking about ending your life, or wishing you were dead.
• Making a plan, or thinking about how you would do it.
• Looking for ways to harm yourself.
• Feeling hopeless, trapped, or like a burden.
• Giving away possessions, or saying goodbye.
• Feeling a sudden, strange calm after being very distressed.
• Using more alcohol or drugs.

What to do if you are thinking about suicide¶

1. Tell someone now. Say it plainly: "I am thinking about ending my life." You do not need to say it perfectly.
2. Call a crisis line or your local emergency number. In the United States and Canada, call or text 988. In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans is on 116 123, and in an emergency call 999. In Australia, Lifeline is on 13 11 14, and in an emergency call 000. For other countries, see the números d'emergència pàgina.
3. Move away from anything you could use to harm yourself. This includes medicines, sharp objects, and weapons. Ask someone to remove them, or go to another place.
4. Do not stay alone. Go to a friend, a relative, or a public place, or ask someone to come to you.
5. If you have already taken something, or have hurt yourself, call your local emergency number straight away.

Strong suicidal feelings are a medical emergency, not a weakness. They can pass, and help works. Many people who have felt this way in grief are glad later that they reached out.

Warning signs in someone else¶

If you are worried about a friend or relative who is grieving, look for:

• Talk of wanting to die, or of being a burden.
• Withdrawing from friends and family.
• Giving away belongings.
• Sudden calm after a period of deep distress.
• Increased alcohol or drug use.
• Saying goodbye in an unusual way.
• Taking risks, or not caring about safety.

What to do if someone else may be at risk¶

• Ask directly. "Are you thinking of ending your life." Asking does not put the idea in their head. It can bring relief.
• Listen without judging, and do not argue or try to fix everything.
• Stay with them, or make sure someone else does.
• Remove or secure means of harm, if you can do so safely.
• Call a crisis line or your local emergency number. Do not leave them alone if they are in immediate danger.
• Follow up in the following days. Connection helps.

The guides on crisi de salut mental i supporting a family member in a mental health crisis explain what to do and say in more detail.

A flow for choosing what to do¶

flowchart TD
    A["You are grieving and not sure what you need"] --> B{"Are you thinking about ending your life or in danger"}
    B -->|"Sí"| C["Call your local emergency number or a crisis line now"]
    C --> D["Stay with someone and move away from means of harm"]
    B -->|"No"| E{"Do you have chest pain or trouble breathing"}
    E -->|"Sí"| F["Truqueu al vostre número d'emergència local"]
    E -->|"No"| G["Drink water, eat something small and rest"]
    G --> H["Contact one trusted person today"]
    H --> I["See your doctor or a bereavement service if symptoms continue"]

Crisis lines by country¶

This list is a starting point, and numbers can change. Check the números d'emergència page for your country.

If you are in another country, search for your national suicide prevention or crisis line, or ask your doctor. If you cannot find one, call your local emergency number.

Looking after yourself if you are also caring for others¶

If you have children, older relatives, or others who depend on you, you may feel that you have to hold everything together. Please remember that you cannot care for others if you do not care for yourself. Share the work, and ask for help.

• Ask another adult to look after children for a few hours so you can rest.
• Accept offers of meals and errands.
• Tell children simply what has happened, using the guide on parlar d'una mort als nens i adolescents.
• Let children see that you are sad, and that you are coping with support.
• Tell the school, and your employer if needed.

If you are the main caregiver after a long illness, you may feel exhausted and empty. Rest is not selfish. See your doctor, who can check on your health after a long period of caring.

Going back to work or school¶

When you return to work or school, you may feel exposed, tired, or unable to concentrate. This is normal. If you can, go back gradually, with shorter days or lighter tasks at first. Tell a manager or teacher what you are comfortable sharing, and ask them to tell colleagues so you do not have to explain again and again.

Expect some difficult moments. A kind word, a song, or a smell can bring tears without warning. Know where you can go for a few minutes, such as a quiet room or outside. Keep water and a snack with you, and plan one small thing to look forward to at the end of the day.

If you feel unable to work after a few weeks, speak to your doctor. In many countries a doctor can support time off or a phased return, and some employers have counselling services you can use in confidence.

Sudden waves and how to ride them¶

Grief often arrives in waves, even weeks later. A wave may feel like a tightening in the chest, a lump in the throat, a sudden urge to cry, or a flood of memories. It usually rises, peaks, and eases in a few minutes, though it may feel like forever.

When a wave comes:

1. Stop and breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in.
2. Name what is happening. Say to yourself, "This is a wave of grief. It will pass."
3. Put a hand on your chest or hold something warm.
4. Let the feeling be there. You do not need to push it away.
5. When it eases, drink some water, and do something small and kind for yourself.

If you find yourself having intense panic, struggling to breathe, or feeling that you are losing control, the panic attacks guide has calm steps to follow.

Remembering and rituals¶

Many people find comfort in small rituals: lighting a candle, saying a prayer, looking at photos, listening to favourite music, or telling stories. You can do these whenever feels right. You can also wait. There is no schedule.

Some people find it helpful to write a letter to the person who died, keep a journal, or make a memory box. Others prefer not to look at reminders for a while. Follow your own pace.

Taking care of your physical health in the weeks ahead¶

After the first days, try to keep up with your usual health care:

• Take regular medicines as prescribed.
• Attend appointments, or reschedule them rather than skipping them.
• Eat regular meals and drink water.
• Move gently most days.
• Spend a little time outside in daylight.
• Keep contact with at least one person each day.

If you find you are catching colds more often, or feeling very run down, mention it to your doctor. Long term stress can affect the body.

Una nota sobre la formació en primers auxilis¶

A hands-on first aid course from the Red Cross, St John Ambulance, or a local provider can teach you how to respond in emergencies, including mental health first aid in some places. This is not something you need to think about today. It is simply an option for later, if it would help you feel more prepared.

Preguntes freqüents¶

Is it normal to feel nothing after someone dies?¶

Yes. Numbness is one of the most common reactions in acute grief and is the mind's way of protecting you while you take in what has happened. Feelings often come later, in waves, and there is no right or wrong way to react. If the numbness lasts for a very long time or you feel completely disconnected from life, speak to your doctor or a bereavement counsellor.

I cannot sleep or eat. When should I worry?¶

Disturbed sleep and low appetite are very common in the first days. Try to sip fluids, eat small amounts, and rest even if you cannot sleep. If this continues for more than a few days, or you feel faint or unwell, speak to your doctor, and call your local emergency number if you have chest pain or trouble breathing.

What if I think about ending my life?¶

Tell someone now, and call a crisis line or your local emergency number. In the United States and Canada you can call or text 988, in the United Kingdom and Ireland you can call Samaritans on 116 123, and in Australia you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Stay with another person, and move away from anything you could use to harm yourself, because help is available and these feelings can pass.

How can I help a friend who is grieving?¶

Stay close, listen without trying to fix, and offer small practical help such as meals, lifts, or sitting with them. Ask directly if they are having thoughts of suicide if you are worried, because asking does not make it more likely. If they are in danger, stay with them and call a crisis line or your local emergency number.

Fonts revisades¶

• NHS (United Kingdom): "Bereavement and grief", "Coping with bereavement", and guidance on suicidal thoughts.
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (United States) and 988 Suicide Crisis Helpline (Canada).
• National Institute of Mental Health (United States): suicide warning signs and prevention.
• American Psychological Association and American Heart Association (United States): grief, stress, and heart health, including advice to seek care for chest pain.
• Samaritans (United Kingdom and Ireland), Cruse Bereavement Support (United Kingdom).
• Lifeline and Beyond Blue (Australia), and Grief Australia.
• World Health Organization: guidance on prolonged grief and on preventing suicide.
• Red Cross (American Red Cross, British Red Cross): coping with loss and supporting others.
• Hospice UK and National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (United States): bereavement support.

This page is general information and not medical advice. If you are worried about your health or safety, speak to a doctor or call your local emergency number.

Guies relacionades¶

• Un familiar va morir durant la nit a casa de manera inesperada
• Primeres hores i dies després d'una mort a casa
• Parlant a nens i adolescents d'una mort
• Crisi de salut mental
• Supporting a family member in a mental health crisis